“The name of the game is cancer.” I listened to my doctor say that to me yesterday. I have been pondering those words ever since. No, I don’t have cancer – or do I? I am in that waiting period of uncertainty. I have been in that waiting period for three months, ever since my last pap came back abnormal. When I went for that first screen, my doctor said that if it was normal, the standard for my age group has gone to every two years, rather than every year. Two weeks later, I get a call from the office. “Your results are in, and there are some abnormalities. We need to schedule you for a follow up in three months.” Three months of waiting, wondering. Three months of a subconscious worry – pushed back, pushed down, but always in the background. Three months of uncertainty, of wondering if the plans I am making for the future will happen. Finally, yesterday, my follow-up.
“The name of the game is cancer” my doctor said to me, as he explained what would be the next step if this one came back abnormal as well. So now I have another couple of weeks of waiting, wondering, uncertainty, trying not to worry.
I have friends who are cancer survivors. I have friends who have died of cancer. I have friends who are currently fighting cancer. I really really hope – and pray – that I don’t end up joining their ranks. But if I do, I have some wonderful examples to follow – people who have lived life to the fullest, even while they were dying. People who did not give up their fight, for the sake of their children, their grandchildren. Some of them lost that fight. Some of them won. Some are still in the middle of the battle.
If I am fortunate, my results will be normal. If not? The name of the game is cancer, and I’ll move to the next round of play.